Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
You Might Also Like
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
6: are snakes just neck?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”