Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
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Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
lmao😭🤣
