Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
this is literally a CIA plant
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What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you