Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
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I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Bruh
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
wait.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward