Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.