Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been drinking.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar