Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

THE DOG😭😭💀

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

The most precious boy

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore