[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
is this a warning or an offer?
News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.
Me: Pffft… amateurs.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!