Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very problematic

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?