[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Love this one 😂🧟
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.