[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Tell the colonel to bring it
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff