[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
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New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.