Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

ㅤ

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

no!! no!!!!!!

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*