Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

notice

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.