Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔