Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Every. Damn. Time.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet