Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
![]()
You Might Also Like
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
congratulations to them
![]()
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Most fashion shows these days…
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
me when i see my girls butt
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok