Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

thinking about this

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong