Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…