Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers