Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Taking phone security to the next level.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick