Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
◾️
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and