Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.