Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

My dating profile:

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*