Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save