Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)