Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still