Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming