Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”