inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Not all heroes wear capes….
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
