inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
You Might Also Like
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
make up your mind
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”