inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?