inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.