Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

😂

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch