Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.