[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Fights fire with marshmallows
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
They’re on their honeymoon
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move