infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
You Might Also Like
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”