Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Meth is short for Elizameth.

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets