Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

no such thing as a dumb question

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

The Onion called it…again.