Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Wolves should really raise more people.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Hey I worked for it too!

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

the simulation is moving too fast

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit