Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.