Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

Good morning

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.