Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

this FaceApp is creepy af

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

Every house has this drawer

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-