Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shower sex be like:

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

😝

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK