Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.