Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

The Friday File.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.