Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

okay run it by me one more time

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.