Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

“TGIM!” – My liver

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.