Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper