Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife: