Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

A completely valid reaction tbh

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?