Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

twitter users today:

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it