Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?