INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
blocked.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..