@Bexdora

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

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@sammyrhodes

Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.

@daddydoubts

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

@RickAaron

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

@threetimedaddy

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@SteveSuckington

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@EndhooS

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

@ruinedpicnic

“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes

@sofarrsogud

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.