INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.