*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts