*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Happy thanksgiving!
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much