Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

every man in east london

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.