Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I only treason on days ending in y

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

*Inspirational Tweets*

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles