Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

pictures of spider-man

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

same but as an audience member

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.