@SamGrittner

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

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@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

@dafloydsta

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

@JaneBadall

My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.

@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@dlockw21

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@StewieTea2

I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now