Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
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“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Match dot com, but for socks.
I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now