Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.