Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.