Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god