Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I just love that new Pope smell.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
A small tragedy.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.