Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can