Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?

Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

bags with threatening auras

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

selena gomez

saw this in a dream

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Doctors texting each other.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

“you recording!?”