Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

I didn’t know they can drive…

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Finally! 😈

😂

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

Autocorrect completely socks

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Think I pulled my liver

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo