Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.