Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean