inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You Might Also Like
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Roombas should bark
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?