inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You Might Also Like
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
My dad teaching me to drive
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Customize Your Wedding.