Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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me hitting on a model
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
New nose
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.