Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.