Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
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Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
#Caturday
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I already tried new things thanks.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.