Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Dumplings,
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
How to make infinite energy.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!