Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
be safe out there!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I know this now 😂
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
