insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.