Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

That stupid look on my face, is my face

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten